FIRE: Realm of Emotion
I don't believe in "good" or "bad" emotions
I don’t believe in "good" or "bad" emotions. I only believe in better and worse moments of letting them run through my body. Better and worse moments of expressing them. Better and worse ways of doing so in any given situation.1
ANGER merely shows me where my boundaries are being crossed. It is fuel to launch me into action and protection.
GRIEF merely shows me what I have lost. It warns me that I need to take the time and space to mourn. I need to be extra good to myself.
DESIRE shows me where I'm yearning to connect and experience.
FEAR shows me where I need to pause, discern, ask myself questions, then only proceed after I’ve assessed the safety-to-risk factors. As someone who has lived with PTSD since before kindergarten, one of the biggest questions I constantly have to ask myself is, “Am I facing a current, valid fear? Or is this merely the physiological and psychological echo of something I no longer need to be afraid of?” 2
GUILT requires a similar inquiry. “Is this a place where I need to make an apology and/or amends? Do I need to change my actions from now on? Or have I taken on the weight of someone else’s expectations, opinions, desires, or needs? Am I burdened with an overabundance of people-pleasing? Is this actually just fear in disguise? Am I trying to prevent rejection, abandonment, attack, etc.?”
SHAME is the same. “Have I gone against my own codes? Have I violated the boundaries of the conduct that allows me to look at myself in the mirror and still feel good about what I’ve done and who I am? Am I in serious peril of doing such a thing, and I already feel awful for merely thinking it? Or have I allowed an outside influence to slather the veneer of ‘bad’ all over me? Is this what I really believe? Yes? Then what can I do to change that? No? Then how can I shed it? Because it is not mine.”
JEALOUSY is another emotion-in-disguise. For me, it’s usually fear. Fear that I’m about to lose something, or that I will never have something I want — that I’m “not as good as.” That I’ll “never be good enough” or “always be too much.” So I have to ask myself, “Am I doing my best? Or am I slacking where this other person is not? Do they have gifts I lack? Yes? Can I acquire them, too? No? Then am I being unreasonable with what I expect of myself? Are there changes I can make without compromising who I am at heart? Or do I need to adjust my expectations, my timeline, my desires, my goals?”
The other big disguised emotion I often find lurking at the heart of jealousy is anger. In this case, deep down it’s usually not anger at “That Other Woman,” for example. After all, “She” can do what she likes because her actions are not mine to control. I might feel anger at her for what she’s doing, and need to address it with her, but my jealousy is only sparked when I feel that my partner is susceptible to what she’s doing. So that is more about what I perceive as my partner’s violation of our agreements and therefore my trust. Again, anger in disguise.
And anger requires action. Whether that is the act of speaking up, asking questions, asking for what I need, renegotiating parameters, adjusting my perspective, shifting my boundaries, addressing my own fears, or scything ties, it’s the boundary that is the issue. Not “That Other Person.” Really, “My Partner” (or my friends, my students, my mentor, my community, whoever) is not even the issue, because I can’t control what anybody else does.
The only thing that will permanently alleviate my jealousy is what’s in my own mind, hands, and heart: how I deal with my own fears, and how I address when other people brush up against the boundaries I’ve set.
In my Elements System, Fire is the Domain of the Heart, and the Realm of Emotion & Passion. As such, each of the elements has a pair of emotions that it specifically deals with:
EARTH: Fear & Comfort
AIR: Apathy & Inspired
FIRE: Shame & Desire
Water: Grief & Joy
Metal: Anger & Bravery
When it comes to emotions, I'm not a proponent of stuffing. Stifling. Choking any of them off. If you've poked around any of my publications here for half a minute, that will be obvious. There’s always consideration of the time and place, and the conscientious ways of expressing them.
For those of us with things like frontal lobe damage or other executive function issues, having the base neurological capability of emotional regulation or controlling what comes out our mouths can be a luxury that not everybody has. Possessing the life circumstances that allow full emotional processing and expression, much less being received by an encouraging support system can also be a luxury.
That’s why I make it a top priority to craft a life that can accommodate that, and to surround myself with people who support and nurture that. I have moved across the country in search of it. I’ve left communities I adored and jobs that kept a roof over my head. I’ve broken vows of “forever” and jumped off financial cliffs with no wings, picking myself up after a crash landing for the sake of this mission.
It’s crucial for my health and peace of mind.
It is forever a work in progress — too big of a project to remotely cover the HOWs in this post. That’s what we have an entire Elemental System for.
When at all possible, I am an avid devotee of committing lots of practice to this volatile and risky element of Fire, and of using the other elements to help me learn to control, manage, and wield it.
Duh — I'm a Fire Sign.
UP NEXT:
FIRE MEETS WATER - Exploring one of the main emotions of the Water Element: GRIEF. I originally drafted this post about a year ago when my mother had a second stroke. Now in the wake of her sudden death last week, I’m glad I left myself this roadmap. I’m going to need it. Perhaps you will, too.
To explore more of Fire Dance see:
ELEMENTAL EARTH - REALM OF DANCE
To discover the Fire Music Playlists see:
ELEMENTAL AIR - REALM OF MAGIC, MUSIC & MUSE
© 2015 Hartebeast
Related Posts:
This is the first book that helped me get in touch with which emotions I was actually dealing with, to stop having such awful judgments about my emotions when they weren’t happy-skippy, and it gave me many tools for working with them. I have the original version. It’s been revised since then so I can’t speak to those changes: Eastern Body, Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System as a Path to the Self by Anodea Judith.
Just remember: I’m not a mental health practitioner, a doctor, a neuroscientist, or anything like that. I just live with the stuff. This Elements System was developed from the elaborate maze of mechanisms I use to deal with it.
The Neuroscience of Fear Response & PTSD
One of the best books I have ever read in my life: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind & Body in the Healing of Trauma
Don't want to read the book? Here's the basic premise of what trauma does to the body and why talking about it, even in therapy, so often doesn't solve the problems: Short Version. Or Long Version by the author himself
Coping with C-PTSD - when multiple layers of PTSD compound
I write waaaay more about PTSD, the more sticky and tricky emotions like anger, fear, grief, guilt, shame, and the things I do to cope with them on my NSFW memoir publication. Be warned - there be Beasties over yonder!
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